Do you actually know yourself, or just what others are comfortable with?

I’m sitting outside with my cat Clancy.

For a long time, he desperately wanted to go outside, and I wouldn’t let him…

I told myself it was “for his own good” and if I'm being honest, a little (or a lot) for my own comfort…

I denied him something he felt passionately about because I could. But that doesn’t mean I should have…

Now here we are. He’s romping around living his best life, and all it took was some anxiety, some patience, and a little courage to see what would happen.

One step at a time, we figured it out!

We sit outside together and enjoy the pockets of sunshine and joy nature shares with us.

I don’t know if I’ll ever let him roam without supervision, and I don’t need to know that yet. I’ll know it when I get there.

The lessons Clancy taught me

If I had stayed stuck in a Self and Context stance (only considering my own comfort), we would have missed these wins.

When I expanded to consider Other, I used that information to make new decisions.

I stepped out of my comfort zone, and he finally got what he needed…and so did I.

Here are the two lessons worth naming:

1. When I stick to what’s in my circle of control (my thoughts, feelings, and actions) and stop trying to control what I can’t (Other and Context), I make wayyyy better, braver choices.

Honesty → new decisions → new actions → new benefits.

2. You cannot learn who you are if the world you grew up in didn’t let you explore.

Not blaming moms!!! Not good. Not bad. Simply real.

So, back to the original question…

If you grew up only doing what others were comfortable with, do you actually know yourself?

My short answer: NO.

If you were Clancy, raised only inside someone else’s comfort, you probably didn’t get enough opportunities to “find yourself,” because you didn’t have enough context to do so.

But let’s shift the original question to a better one:

Were you given the necessary context to explore who you are?

If you grew up without the space to safely explore Self + Other + Context, chances are you now experience:

• identity confusion

• low confidence

• shaky self-worth

• people-pleasing

• perfectionism (the little maraschino cherry on top)

It’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because you aren’t operating with full cylinders.

When you’re raised inside someone else’s fears, your nervous system learns to orient around those fears.
And honestly? Many of us still live inside the parameters of fears that aren’t even ours.

But what if some of those fears weren’t yours to begin with?
And what if you have the power to change that now?

Everything you think and feel is shaped by experience. If your experience was limited, your sense of self was, too. Not permanently, not hopelessly, just honestly.

Because what you think → becomes what you do.

And what you do → (I hope) reflects what you actually think.

We’ll talk more about that in the next email, Subscriber First Name.

With love and curiosity,

Candice

P.S. What’s one small thing you weren’t allowed to explore growing up and are curious about trying now? You deserve context, too.