Stop Calling It Kindness: The Truth About People-Pleasing

We say people-pleasing because it sounds nice, right?
Because “caring” for others is baked into the patriarchal bullshit of “what it means to be a woman” or “what if means to be nice.”

And if the expectation of being “sweet,” “docile,” and “selfless” wasn’t gross enough, let’s talk about the darker side of what people-pleasing actually means.

People-pleasing is another way to say self-abandonment.

It means being overly focused on others, often at the expense of yourself. And to be clear, like all things, there are exceptions to the rules, and I’m not saying this in a blaming way. It’s more of a matter-of-fact observation.

If we think of our focus and energy as a pie chart (which I often do), there is only so much to give. You have 100% (in theory), that’s it.

So if more than 33% of your energy is going toward other people, it has to come from somewhere. And more often than not, it comes from you (Self).

So let’s talk about that pie chart a little more.

When I talk about congruency, I’m talking about the alignment of Self, Other, and Context. These are the things we consider when making decisions, big and small.

You only have 100% to work with.

Ideally:

• Some energy goes to Context (the what, where, and when)

• Some goes to Other (other people’s thoughts, feelings, and reactions)

• And some goes to Self (your own thoughts, feelings, and actions)

A quick reminder: When you hear “circle of control”... that's what lives in Self. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions….the only things you actually have control over. Everything else lives outside of that circle.

So why do so many of us work so hard to control and please others at the expense of our Self?

I have plenty of theories. A lot of them trace back to the societal bullshit we’ve all been swimming in since birth. But I’ll try to stay on topic today.

People-pleasing is self-abandonment.

It’s the act of leaving or forgetting parts of your Self. Your wants. Your needs. Sometimes, even your boundaries and values. All for the sake of “pleasing” someone else. And let’s be honest, we’re often sacrificing ourselves for something we can’t control anyway: someone else’s happiness.

So I guess this is my long-winded way of saying this:

The next time you notice yourself people-pleasing, pause and remember what it costs. 

Get curious:

• Where did you learn this?

• Did you see anyone else doing this growing up?

• How do you feel when someone tries to think, feel, or act for you?

• Is this what you want to be doing?

• How does it serve you?

• What can you do to consider your Self more?

With love and some deep breaths.

Candice

P.S What does your pie chart typically look like? How can you put your Self back in the pie chart today?

P.S.S. No one is congruent 100% of the time, so please don’t beat yourself up, and I hope that if this resonates with you, this chart can help you explore what you want YOUR pie chart to look like.