Blog #1: When You Know Your Pattern, You Get a Choice Point
Often I talk to clients and work on this myself.
Once you know your pattern, once you’ve mapped your vulnerability and survival stances and understand your internal cybernetics well enough to observe, regulate, ask, and act, something important becomes available.
You gain access to the space between trigger and response.
This is similar to what I talk about in decision fatigue work (see decision rescue guide). It is also the process of shifting your pattern before the next survival response takes over.
Not after. Not during. Before.
I’m sitting here noticing my urge to shut down.
So I ask myself:
What is my body saying?
What am I afraid of?
And today when I do that, I notice something underneath the surface.
My fear is not actually about the present moment. It is not about my partner mishearing me or not being emotionally congruent enough to meet me.
It is something else.
I’m afraid I will have this conversation again.
I notice this fear when he asks, “What do you want from me?”
And my answer is more honest than I expected:
“Anything but this.”
What I mean is not the sentence itself, but the loop behind it.
I don’t want another shutdown cycle.
I don’t want another conversation that doesn’t reach accountability, emotional presence, or repair around the pattern.
Not just this moment. The larger relational homeostasis.
This is where I have to zoom out.
Because this is not just a trigger. It is a smaller loop inside a larger vulnerability map.
It is tied deeply into my internal cybernetics and relational conditioning.
It comes from younger versions of me who often had to “coach” others through being in relationship with me.
From a hyper-independent system that was also conditioned into hyper-awareness of others.
A mind that reads fast, connects quickly, and sometimes ends up playing 3D chess while someone else is still playing checkers.
And then frustration shows up in the gap.
There are deeper layers to this, but that belongs in therapy.
If you resonate with this, it is something worth exploring there, too.
So here is the important part:
This is neither bad nor good.
It just is.
It is shaped by past relationships, past experiences, and past context.
But what I do next is what shapes my future self, my future relationships, and my future patterns.
So the real question becomes:
What do I choose now?
And if you are anything like me, this is where things start to feel heavy.
Because suddenly every choice feels like it has consequences.
And then the mind says:
It has to be perfect or not at all.
That is all-or-nothing thinking (see Taylor’s version). And if that is present, it is worth bringing into therapy.
There are high stakes here.
This is your life.
Each moment is an opportunity to move toward alignment with your values, your needs, and the relationships you actually want.
Or away from them.
That matters.
And here is the grounding piece:
You get about 1,440 moments a day.
Even if you only count waking hours, that is still over a thousand opportunities to notice, pause, and choose again.
If that feels overwhelming, I get it.
But you have already made thousands of micro-decisions just getting here.
So the capacity is already present.
If you notice yourself triggered, stuck, or acting out of alignment, wait 0.75 seconds.
You will have another chance.
You always do.
And all we are really building is a slightly higher ratio of alignment over time.
51/49 is enough.
I share blogs, writing, and free resources regularly.
You can explore more here → CongruentSoulTherapy.com
If you want more personal and somewhat unfiltered insights, check out Somewhat Congruent.
If you want even more, check out Aggressively Human.
And if you’re in PA, GA, or FL, I do work with clients. Booking is available on my site.
Otherwise, there’s a free resources page waiting for you.
