Mercury in retrograde (or whatever we’re blaming this on).

Jul 8

Mercury in retrograde is known for technology failures.

This time, it was a wake-up call.

While crying in my car, I realized how far I’ve come with people-pleasing…
and how, just like everyone else, I still have so much room to grow.

I booked a pedicure the day before leaving for a beach wedding.

Yes…shoeless bridesmaid.
A great honor.
And for someone with Velcro feet like mine… a nightmare.

Also, I am the type of neurospicy where scheduling appointments is already hard.

So after a long week of things not going as planned, I’m sitting there, trying to relax…

…and I look down.

My toes are already being painted.

No pedicure.
No trimming.
No anything.

Just polish.

Immediate spiral:

“What the fuck?”
“How did I miss this?”
“I should have been paying attention.”
“This must be my fault.”
“I can’t say anything now.”

Enter: inner critic.

“This is my fault.”
“She already started.”
“I can’t say anything now.”
“I don’t want her to feel bad.”

And right on cue, people pleaser + inner critic, tag team.

So instead of saying something *literally anything*

I text my friend.

Because instead of standing in my thoughts, feelings, and needs,
I freeze…
and look for validation from someone who isn’t even in the room.

So I sit there.

Watching my uncut toenails and crusty feet get a beautiful layer of sparkling white polish.

The epitome of polishing a turd.

And I silently cry.

I cry because I got so close and then froze.
I cry because now I don’t know what to do.
I cry because nail salons are already hard for me…everyone’s wearing masks, and I rely on facial cues to communicate.
I cry because I didn’t just ask for what I wanted.
I cry because I paid too much money for something I could have done at home.
I cry because I berated and punished myself.
I cry because I’m sitting here uncomfortably, so everyone else can feel comfortable.
I cry because now I either have to book another appointment… or live with these feet.

And yes, I acknowledge.

This example is oozing with privilege.

But if you strip it down to the core:

My neurospicy brain was overstimulated.
I was overwhelmed.
I was self-aware enough to notice…
and didn’t have the capacity to act differently in the moment.

Because logically?

My toes do not matter.
No one at this wedding is staring at my feet. (Probably.)

But it’s not about the toes.

It’s the feeling of being completely out of place while trying to do something “normal.”

Appointments are hard for me.
Pedicures are next level.

The smell.
The touch.
The sounds.

It’s all overwhelming.

And yet…I “endure it” for beauty standards I don’t even agree with.

And when I really let that sink in?

I cry more.

Because… who even cares?

And why does my body feel like it has to?

So anyway. Key takeaways:

My inner critic and people-pleasing parts were loud as hell today.

I’m clearly not grounded.

And when the spiral passes, the question becomes:

What do I need right now?
What actually matters in this moment?
Can I give that to myself?

Whether it’s Mercury in retrograde messing with your tech,
feeling misunderstood in a social situation,
or having crusty feet that suddenly feel like a personality flaw