Aggressively Human: Cry on the Inside Like a Woman

Sad but true: women are often carrying so much emotional weight that by the time we cry, we are breaking down.

Because somewhere along the way, directly or indirectly, we were taught to cry on the inside.

The audacity it would take to have an emotional reaction in front of someone and risk it being unpleasant for them!!

So instead, we swallow it.

We cry on the inside.

And then we help you process the emotional reaction you’re now having to our emotional reaction.

Example:

I tell you, my feelings are hurt.

You tell me my tone hurt you.

And suddenly “we’re even”.

Now I console you.

Because your “feelings” are “hurt.”

But here’s the thing:

Defensiveness isn’t a feeling….It’s protection.

When your ego is bruised, that’s not the same thing as being emotionally congruent.

If you were being congruent, you would pause.
You would check in.
You would notice your thoughts, your fear, your impulse to defend, and then respond in a way that considers not only you, but me too.

That’s where empathy is born

Instead, many of us learned to manage it all.

This is how people-pleasers are formed.
This is how emotional over-functioning becomes normalized.
This is how patriarchy quietly survives in living rooms and kitchens.

So here’s my vow:

I will no longer shrink my emotional reaction to preserve someone else’s comfort.

Unless you are paying me to be your therapist, I am no longer carrying the emotional and mental load for you.

(And even then, my clients do their own work.)

If the people around me are unwilling to take accountability and act congruently, I will love them at a distance I see fit.

Because I cannot make anyone change.

But I can decide how close I stand while they don’t.

I will cry on the outside.

I will consider my thoughts and feelings before I act.

I will no longer take responsibility for your reactions.

If you consider me back, maybe we can recalibrate.

Until then?

Your move.

…

And to the men who say their partners “don’t care” when they’re hurt:

Is there a chance she stopped responding because every time she expressed her hurt, you made it about yours?

Is there a chance she carried the emotional labor for 45 minutes before your tears even arrived?

Emotional congruency means doing the work to understand what you’re feeling before you project it outward.

When someone cries from a place of accountability, it lands differently.

When someone cries to avoid accountability, it exhausts the room.

And for those of us who over-function?

Cry on the outside.

Let the discomfort land where it belongs.

Anyone who cannot handle your humanity can handle their own reaction to it.

We do not have to carry that either.

Somewhat Congruent and Aggressively Human, 

Candice