More Than One Thing Can Be True (Even When You’re Pissed Off)

Apr 7

Renovations Revelations #7 A boundary. A slammed phone. A dad who didn’t regulate.
And the uncomfortable truth is that love and anger can exist at the same time.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again (and again x1000):

More than one thing can be true.

Let me demonstrate.

Think back to all the fabulous reflections (if I do say so myself) I had during this renovation about my dad and my relationship with him.

ALL of those? Still true.

AND

Holy shit, am I pissed off.

My dad — a human being, not in therapy, but human nonetheless (joke) — did a very human thing.

He misunderstood me.
And he didn’t regulate himself when I shared how his behavior was affecting me.

So now we’re on day five of not speaking.

This is not normal for us. For context, I lived with my dad on and off (mostly on) until I was 26. We’ve had a lot of practice communicating.

(And by “practice,” I mean I’ve had a lot of practice overfunctioning for him. Over-considering. Avoiding reactions altogether. Because I am a “very good” people pleaser.)

SO.

I am now 30 years old, and I don’t do that shit anymore.
(Mostly.)

And here I am, flabbergasted that my dad, the man who, in my mind, offers me perfection, just hung up the phone on me.

Something I have never experienced.

My world shatters.
All these reflections, these connections… GONE. USELESS.

Now obviously, that’s what we call catastrophizing.
And personally? Incongruent as fuck.

Nonetheless… WTF?

Mind you, he hung up while I was trying to explain my feelings.

So as any rational hyperindependent daughter would, I texted him:

“No need to come over this week.”

Was that spicy? Sure.
Did I mean it? Yes, I did.

Because here’s the thing: everyone will have their reaction to this. Some may disagree that it’s congruent. Blah blah blah.

But you don’t live my life like I do.

And I say that was congruent.
(Somewhat.)

I took action.

Not:
“You can’t treat me this way!”
Not:
“Stop acting like this!”
Not:
“You hurt me!”

Just:

I will no longer accept this.

So I didn’t.

I created a boundary.
I gained the distance I needed to love him while still loving me.

Did he listen?

Of course not.

He showed up unannounced, even after the conversation continued and I very clearly said, “Do not come over.” Thrice.

A past me..the version I assume he was expecting…would have given in and let him in.

Well, he has a key and used it without knocking. So more accurately, I would have accepted him already being in my house and let him “fix” that damn wall again.

Luckily, that version of me is in my past.

A more mindful, conscious, dare I say congruent me walked to that door and doubled down.

No.

I won’t bore you with my grown adult father’s hissy fit.

But I will say I absolutely hated it.

I felt unheard.
Unseen.
Steamrolled.

And it took everything in me not to take it personally.

Because here’s the thing, and yes, this is mind-reading, but remember, I’m still human.

I know that was hard for my dad.
I know he doesn’t know what to do.
So he reverts to what he was taught… fight fire (or what he perceives as fire) with fire.

He doesn’t take accountability.
But he surely takes his things and leaves.

I’m left devastated.
And a little healed.

That’s the thing about dads.
And honestly, about relationships with anyone.

Every. Single. Interaction (pleasant or not) is an opportunity.

An opportunity to ask one more question.
Identify one more feeling.
Create one more boundary.

And every time that is done while considering Self — your thoughts, your feelings, your actions — you gain a better ability to consider Other and Context.

In this instance, I can love my dad and give him grace, whether he returns the favor or not.

Because I can love myself and give myself grace when others can’t.

Only I know what I need.

And I will always need boundaries.
Only I can uphold them.

I can’t and don’t expect others to understand them.

I hope they will.
And I can stand firm when they don’t.

What would transform if you trusted your own needs as much as you considered everyone else’s?

Because that is people-pleasing recovery.

And as always, that is

Somewhat congruent,
Candice

Renovation Revelations #7 continues my ongoing reflections on personal growth, boundaries, and the complex, messy love between my dad and me.

If you missed the earlier fabulous dad-focused reflections or just need a refresher…

#1 Everything Works Out in My Favor (Even When It Annoys Me)

#4 Midol, Dunkin’, and a One-Degree Shift

Through stories from this renovation (and life), I explore how more than one truth can coexist, how to hold space for your own needs, and how to navigate relationships with honesty, congruency, and a little grit.

If this resonated with you, you may be interested in Boundaries and People-Pleasing.