Did you do your best?
Renovations Revelations #6: Juggling life, love, and a kitchen renovation, we explore how staying somewhat congruent, honoring your values while respecting others’ feelings, can transform overwhelm into clarity.
Don’t feel like reading? Listen HERE
I am STRUGGLING.
It’s February 16th.
I am:
Trying to get my business visible online
Building a website
Dreaming big ideas
Seeing my current caseload
While actively living through a kitchen renovation.
If you’ve renovated anything, you know the stress.
And my dad and my partner are the ones renovating it.
Which means that every moment I’m not working, I am navigating:
Me and my partner
Me and my partner during renovation (a different species entirely)
Me and my dad
And bonus level: not over-functioning in either relationship
And SUPER bonus level: not over-functioning for Spencer and Dad’s relationship
Mental gymnastics.
Oh, and I’m dehydrated.
Food feels like an obstacle course.
My hormones are on fire.
I’m not listing this for sympathy.
I’m listing this because I know you relate.
You know the exhaustion of juggling everything while actively trying to grow as a human.
So here’s what happened.
Valentine’s Day was postponed because life is chaos.
Today I call Spencer:
“Want to go to sushi for V-Day? My treat.”
What I wasn’t prepared for was the gravity of the next ask:
“Can we still exchange gifts tomorrow like we planned? I need more time.”
I had a thoughtful idea.
I didn’t have time to execute it well.
After grappling internally and giving myself a pep talk, I chose congruency:
“I’d rather do it well than half-ass it.”
And then
Boom.
He was disappointed.
Not mean.
Not explosive.
Just… disappointed.
And here’s the part no one talks about:
You can be fully congruent in your values
and someone can still have their own perspective.
The audacity, I know…
So I sit with it.
And I do the work.
I identify my feelings:
Annoyed.
Shocked.
Offended.
Guilty.
Hurt.
Frustrated.
Unsure.
Then I observe my thoughts and I will share only a few:
“Holy shit. I’m terrible.”
“This is unacceptable.”
“I hate that I made him sad.”
“Wait… in five years, this is the first time I’ve asked for more time. I am thoughtful!!!!”
Then I scan for incongruency; these are only some I found:
“I’m terrible.” → labeling.
“This is unacceptable.” → overgeneralizing.
“I made him sad.” → inaccurate. I can’t make someone feel anything.
“This always happens.” → all-or-nothing thinking.
After a long conversation with myself…
I breathe.
I reframe.
And eventually I land here: I did my best.
Given the circumstances, I did my best.
AND he is still allowed to feel disappointed.
Both can be true.
If I’m right and I did my best, then I accept his reaction (assuming it’s respectful) and move forward.
If I didn’t do my best, then I reflect, adjust, practice accountability, and still accept his reaction!
The outcome is the same.
So why do we spiral for hours?
Because when someone we love is upset (and we are a people pleaser), our nervous system screams:
“DANGER. FIX IT. YOU ARE WRONG.”
Here’s the reframe:
To truly consider the other person, it has to happen outside your head with them.
Not in the mental courtroom where you prosecute yourself and defend them simultaneously. Not in the mind-reading spirals.
Confessions of a recovering people-pleaser:
Even if I did my best, he has the right to be upset.
If I fight fire with fire
“How dare you be mad!”
I lost the opportunity to grow.
If I collapse
“I’m terrible.”
I lose myself.
SO if I ask: Did you do your best?
And answer honestly….Then I align one degree more.
I remember:
I can care about him, AND I cannot care for him.
I cannot regulate him.
I cannot make him understand my inner world.
I can only communicate it clearly.
And here’s the humbling part:
Sometimes I haven’t communicated my limits clearly.
Sometimes that’s on me.
Just like it’s on him.
Or you.
Or anyone else to communicate their thoughts and feelings.
The quicker I realize this, the less time I spend overthinking and the more time I spend aligning.
And remember:
If you don’t “know” all this right away, it doesn’t mean you don’t know it.
It means you’re not regulated enough to access what you do know.
That’s why the deep breath matters.
It realigns mind and body.
So thoughts, feelings, and actions can align.
So self, context, and other can all be considered.
Did you do your best?
Start there.
Somewhat Congruent,
Candice
P.S. If this resonated, don’t keep it to yourself. Share it.
Collective congruency doesn’t happen by accident; it builds when we pass along conversations that make us think in grey instead of black and white.
That’s how community compounds.
Part of the Renovations Revelations series, this episode dives into the messy reality of juggling life, relationships, and personal growth while staying congruent with your values.
If this resonated with you, you may want to look into People-Pleasing & BoundariesandOverthinking & Decision Fatigue
